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UareOreocrazy
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Name: Alex
Location: Delaware, United States
Gender: Male
Interests: I play old games that I was never able to play in the past like nintendo, sega, supernintedo, stuff like that. I also try to build strength in my legs so I can jump high but I still jump very pathetically. And I find new strategies to master in slimesports because I like the little slimy characters. Especially the invisible one.
Expertise: I play ITG (In The Groove) and play custom songs. That is my main thing right now. I also play Guitar and currently trying to learn Piano but I feel those are minor details since I don't do those as much.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
7/22/2003
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| I just feel like writing. I need to write so bad. I lost a very important notebook with my memories that I most likely will never have the chance to read again. I feel like I lost a part of me. It's almost like it literally grew a pair of legs and walked away. Makes no god damn sense but I guess life is like that. I've realized that I don't have many friends and it bothers me. At least I don't have friends close by. James and Erica are my only friends at the moment. It really isn't enough. I'm dying inside. I'm missing a part of me, my outgoing side. Reach for the stars and don't have any regrets. Now I'm more of a hermit with barely anything to keep myself occupied. It sucks, no one to feel excited to see. No one on the other side excited to see you. Everything is too bland and it's tearing me apart. I hope my new life, starting as a single nobody in an unfamiliar city will be as glamorous as I'm making it in my head. Meeting new people, sharing feelings with others. The idea excites me and that's all I want at the moment. Money doesn't make you happy. Having a significant other does. You have no purpose if you live for yourself. It's just a rut full of the samethings you've held on to since you were a child. I want to see life in someone else's eyes. Oh xanga, when am I going to delete your stupid ass? It's never anything interesting. I just like being a member for so many years. It's one of the few pathetic things that I have that make me feel different. | | |
| It saddens me that I only seem to update Xanga when I'm in a bad mood but I think I've finally come to accept that this will always be my way of getting things off my chest. My red notebook and xanga lets me get things off my chest without bothering anyone. At least in a forward manner. I know most of my friends can read this but it's their choice if they feel like it. I think I experienced a mental breakdown the other day... it was weird and painful. It happened while I was at work. I was depressed to begin with so the day was already pretty much a knife in my back. I started thinking about apartments, friends, past events, everything that has ever bothered me or made me uncomfortable just started running through my head like a reel tape and it wouldn't stop. I found myself gazing at my computer screen trying to make the images stop but was failing miserably. I went to the bathroom and had the erge to bash my head against the wall repeatedly but knew that wasn't going to do anything. So I stared at my reflection in the mirror and stared into space some more, trying to figure out what the hell is going on but slowly just accepted that I was losing my mind. The rest of the day was just a battle to prevent myself from screaming or banging my head against anything. Anyway, that was weird and I hope I don't feel like that again anytime soon. I'd rather just be depressed like I am now instead of feeling like breaking my head open. | | |
| Around 50°, very slight breeze, light smell of water vapors heating up into the atmosphere, clear sky at night. A day like today that runs through my heart, reminding me of something I used to feel. It's bothersome, having your heart remind you of something that you've planned to forget, or have already forgotten. And it persists to tell me that something isn't right. That you've made a mistake or that you still have a shot at making things right. But in the end all I feel is confused and betrayed because I know everything is a lie. It would have been nice... It would be nice... I want it to be... Then let's go. What holds me back? If it bothers me so much then do something about it. My heart has all the answers but I can't understand. I can't understand what it says. It's like I don't care, or I'm scared. Nothing ever goes right when I'm able to listen to my heart. It has so many needs but what does it really expect from me? It must know that everything I try is meant to fail. It has to know that I lack the skills and the desire to put myself on the spot. So why does it continue to persist? Just shutup!! Just leave me alone!! I don't care and I never will. I have things to do, things to be and you just get in the way of that. You've never guided me in the correct path. You would do anything to get what you want. Even make me look like a fool. Make me the asshole. Ruin me until there is nothing left and you beat me down even more. I'm outside in this weather of 50°, feeling the breeze, smelling the air, looking at the clear, dark sky, and I ask myself why I cave in. I let my heart take over me and do whatever it wants. It possesses me, it screams at me, it runs through questions in my head that I already know the answers to. Just continue to fuck my life you selfish piece of shit because in the end you know you'll win and make me miserable. This routine will never stop. These rare days in the year when my hearts feels it has something to say. And everytime my heart will repeat itself and ruin me. | | |
| I wear a puffy jacket, keeping my chin under the neck warmer as I stand in the cold. I shiver to keep my body warm but I still feel my cold heart, solid as ice. My fingers dangle from my oversized sleeves as I continue to wait for her to get here. Why I decide to stand outside I don't know as it's 12° outside, but sometimes my heart makes me do stupid things. If I'm cheerful I like to be around people, but if I'm cold I like to match with the environment. I see a red Honda pull up on my driveway. Shock trails up my back from nervousness, hesitation, and how much I hate the fact that her parents are able to effortlessly buy her a new car at the age of 18. I see a pair of vans stick out from under the door as she reaches in her back seat to grab her purse. I progress to the side of the hood of her car and rest my palm near the door. She sticks her head out and makes a ridiculous gesture with her tongue sticking out. I smile and offer to carry her things to my mother's house.
"You have a nice house."
She mutters as I bring her to my room.
I reject, "This house is terrible. I plan on leaving as soon as I can."
I open my door to a queen sized bed lying on the floor with furniture hugging the corners with drapes. A corner with an amp and a brandless electric guitar and an open closet showing my small wardrobe. I hang my coat as she stares with obvious discontent.
"Is this seriously your room?"
After throwing her coat and purse on my bed she stretches out and sways her hand like a performer showing an audience a freakshow. I stare condescendingly.
"More like a spare room I'm using up but for now yes, this is 'seriously' my room."
She flips her hair and stares at me like I'm a child.
"What? Don't give that attitude with me boy. I'll fuck you up!"
I think all women go through a phase that they can beat any guy up. Whether they're extremely skinny or large they have this alpha male bit going on that strength doesn't matter. I find it extremely annoying but I don't take it seriously.
I respond, "Don't talk to me like I don't know what my room looks like bitch. I've been stuck here for 4 months now and I don't need someone like you to rub it in."
She retorts, "I wasn't rubbing anything you sensitive prick!"
I respond, "You will later cunt."
She stares at me questionably and points with a smile.
"AWW!! You got me fucker!"
I smile, "Yeah I did. I fuck too."
She stares condescending, "Oh really?"
I smile and give her a hug and she lets me. I feel her heart beat as mine becomes a little warmer. I grab her hand and pull her out of my room and into my mothers room. My mother takes the master bedroom with her king sized bed and TV in one corner. The rest of the room just lies as extra space. She breaks from my hand and spins in the room with her arms extended.
"Look at all the space! Lets breakdance!"
She moves to a beat completely her own as she makes stupid techno noises.
"Doop doopi dap"
I dance around her like an idiot trying to keep up. Eventually I move my hands from her armpits to her hips. She looks up with a meaningful smile. Like a message that only I should take and respond to. I move lower to grab her shirt and pull it from under her. She spins as the shirt comes right off exposing her bra. I stare with erotic expressions.
"Hey, nice boobs"
She responds, "Thanks, they're my moms."
I smile with confusion as she smiles and laughs.
"Lay down stupid boy."
She lunges at me and tackles us into the large mattress. Her left leg slowly drags up the right side of my shaft as my legs dangle from the side of the bed. I shortly move forward and wrap my right arm around her chest to pull her under me. I meet her face to face and stare at her almond shaped eyes that scream for more. Her eyes appear like fire, like I can see her heart speaking through her body. I move in to kiss her as she reaches down my pants and starts to moan. Suddenly I hear the front door open hearing my mother speaking on her cellphone. I move back turning to the door in my mother's room. She tugs my dick.
"What's wrong?"
I laugh as I stare into her seductive face.
"My mother is home so we gotta stop."
She looks disappointed. "Common, you scared your mom might catch us?"
I retort, "No, I just know that she's heading for her bedroom which is where we are in now."
She grunts, "Aww..."
I continue to smile from amusement, "So can you let go now?"
"Oh shit..."
She lets go of my privates a little embarrassed. I laugh and reach my arm out.
"Common, I'll introduce you to my mother."
She grabs my hand as we leave the room. She stops next to the bathroom.
"Hold on."
She runs in the bathroom as I hear the sink running. I get a little pissed.
"Are you washing your hands?"
She responds, "Duh, for obvious reasons."
I retort, "Bitch, you calling my shit dirty?"
She comes out of the bathroom with a smile.
She nonchalantly responds, "Shutup."
She give me a kiss as we continue to find my mother in the kitchen. My mother stares at her with excitement.
"Oh my god who's she?"
My mother's not used to seeing me with girls so she gets excited easily. I introduce her formally as my mom freaks out and gives her a hug.
"Aww, you're so pretty!"
She stares down blushing, "Thanks..."
My mother decides to make dinner as we head back upstairs into my room. I lye down as she lays facing me in the front. I wrap my arm around her and bring her closer as she rests her head on my chest. She hears my heart pounding with flames that could warm a log cabin. I feel my heart pounding trying to reach hers. I lay with her thinking about how sad I'll be when this moment ends. When she leaves and my heart starts to freeze over once again. But I hold her tight hoping that my heart makes every moment count because it's easy to forget what this feeling is, what it means. It's moments like these that remind you what true love is. | | |
| It would be amazing if everyone in the world can have a certain time in the year and simultaneously scream as loud, hard, and long as possible until they feel all the anger, sorrows, and anxieties have escaped them. Like the whole world joins in unison and releases all the bad things out into the sky and into dead space to never be seen again. I scream in my car sometimes. Lately a lot. Not about anything in particular. Not about anything actually. Just raw screams that I keep to myself and my car. It doesn't really help too much but it's more of a reminder. Something to tell me shit is bad but look at you, you're screaming in a car. I would just like to yell at everything. Scream at everyone whether they deserve it or not because friendships don't mean a whole lot to me right now. I've been witnessing too fast how easily it is to make and break relationships. And the level of reasoning can be as stupid as my gay boyfriend headbutting you in the face because he still acts like a 15 year old. I'm forgetting the ties that keep me in DE. It would be nice to just live somewhere else for a while by myself and find out who exactly am I supposed to be. Because I think I'm just a big lie. I can't see page to page with people when I feel I'm right. It may be a little biased but my biased opinions mean a lot to me. No one to understand me and my logical fallacies. This is not how life is supposed to be. I have a large flaw in my character but I can't fix it like this. I don't think I can ever fix it. I'm too angry, and depressed, and lazy, sloth. Staying at break 10 minutes longer than is supposed to so he can write a stupid blog that doesn't even make sense from rereading. Way to go. | | |
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